


The Dick of A Batman

by Lonewritersclub



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Fluff and Humor, I mean come on, M/M, Porn With Plot, Sex, Sex Toys, Sexual Humor, a whole series dammit, all kinds of sex but, bruce is soooo underwhelmed, this is a smut fic, you get the drill
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-01-25 15:51:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21358780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonewritersclub/pseuds/Lonewritersclub
Summary: Batman's cock is big as hell. This is a certain clown's inspirational story of climbing on top of it.- A photo of the Batman's penis leaks out and Joker's concerned he won't be able to take it.
Relationships: Batman/Joker (DCU), Harvey Dent/Joker (DCU), Joker (DCU)/Bruce Wayne, Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel, Joker/rogues
Comments: 79
Kudos: 291





	1. Oh Jesus It's Big!

Joker’s mouth drops open as Harley shows him the picture. She hands him over the chapped pink coloured flip-phone and he inspects the baring photo even closer. His eyes are like two round plates as he stares at the most outrageous photo anyone has ever managed to snap of the caped crusader.

The Batman’s cock.

In all its revealing glory against the black background of his suit, a sharp image and unmistakable one. If anyone then the Joker would know if this was in fact the Batman’s cock or not. And the Joker was certain of it. There was no denying it. Joker can spot the little crevices and lithe scratches on the armour in the photo he has memorized to the smallest detail, around the magnificence that is the _penis_ of the Batman.

Nobody knows who had taken the photo but they suspect Nygma and one of his hidden cameras he has installed all over Gotham, some of them apparently even into the seedy free bathrooms in the dark rundown parks of the Narrows. Even the Batman had to _go_ sometimes after all during on his missions, that’s nothing to be surprised of.

It’s just that…

This wasn’t what the Joker had expected it to _be_.

The Batman’s cock, even in its soft, tender form, was, for the lack of a better word, _humongous_.

It had Joker biting his fingernails in nervousness.

It was clean, that he _had_ expected. Very nicely clean – clearly the Bat had never had any problems in the lower region, and he undoubtedly took care of himself anyway, too. The skin was of a nice pale complexion, a normal healthy Caucasian tone, even and smooth in both texture and colour. Silken…

It was something no one would mind taking a closer look at. It was simply _divine_. A true lollipop Joker would love to lick on. He bet it would taste like the _sweetest_ little thing in the world.

Only it wasn’t _a_ _little thing. _And _that_ was what had Joker tattering his fresh manicure.

The Batman’s cock was long.

Longer than average.

_Significantly_ longer than average.

And it was thick. Very, _very_ _thick_. All the way around, it was copious, and the head was a delightful round thing that Joker bet would simply ruin him at the first touch.

The rest of his cock would make sure that Joker would never recover from it either.

“_Fuck_”, the clown exhales out. His green brows are knitted together at the middle, white forehead creased in worry.

Harley sits on the couch next to him and gazes at the picture herself as well with a certain concern shining in the curve of her red mouth.

“Yeah”, she sighs out in response and pats Joker’s knee in sympathy.

Joker looks over to her.

“I’ve never seen anything like this. I mean, I think maybe Bane, you could expect this from Bane but… But Batman? I know he’s brilliant, marvellous, out of this world, the one and only but… How is this even possible? How can he be this perfect? How can he be such a perfect destroyer?” Joker wonders out loud, a tang of fear lacing each of his words.

Harley shakes her red and black head with a confused look.

“I don’t know, Puddin, but it looks like a lot. Literally. What are you gonna do? You can’t possible fit all of that - no one can, not without a ton of experience at least”, Harley says.

Joker frowns some more, fearing he may have lost everything due to the magnificence of that divine thing he just isn’t worthy enough. Oh my, how would he be able to face Batman again knowing he’ll never truly be able to be properly fucked by him? Their relationships was going go down in shambles! If Joker did try to take him, he would absolutely devastate himself and then Batman surely wouldn’t want him anymore.

Was this truly the end of them?

Harley sees that Joker’s about to start bawling his eyes out and she quickly closes the flip-phone. But then she gets an idea. A stray memory of a discussion she had had with an unnamed woman a few months ago during a bank heist. She was an ordinary woman, in fact one of their hostages, but they had got to talking and she told Harley that she liked to _do_ it with villains. In hindsight, it sounded like she had actually been trying to flirt with Harley but that was beside the point. The point was, she had told Harley that she had had sex with _Bane_ once, and it had been _great._

Harley had barely believed her ears but then the woman had explained. After she had set her objective on Bane, she had made a plan of preparing herself to be able to take him when the time came. All it had took was patience and time and a large collection of dildos. But she had done it and it had been the best time of her life.

She did say that it had been just a one-night stand but it also meant that she had completely recuperated from it as there hadn’t been any problems to begin with. A regular old woman, well, maybe not so regular considering the things she had done but either way, a normal healthy woman had been able to train herself to take a man like Bane meant that anyone else could do it too!

Harley claps Joker by the shoulder and leans in to the sad clown’s face. Her puddin’ gazes back at her with utter distraught in his glassy desperate stare. Harley speaks with reassurance in her determined voice.

“I know what you need to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh... uuuh. Yeeah. I'm back with a bang, but I did promise you guys that one day I'd write a whole fic about Batman's dick. I've come to keep you that promise.  
For anyone who doesn't know, this started with the Batman's cock being revealed in a certain DC comic that I can't remember the name of (you can put it in the comments if you do, please) and ever since I thought it would be interesting to make a fic about it. I mean sure it wasn't that big in the comic but I thought this could be an interesting concept :D Let me know how you like it so far!


	2. Giggles & Sex

It takes a couple of minutes of fumbling about but eventually Harley manages to attach the harness to herself. Joker sits already on the bed leaning against the black-and-red-checker headboard, ready and waiting. Harley hops on the bed and walks between his pale legs on her hands and knees.

“You gotta spread them a lil’ wider if we’re gonna do this for real, Puds”, Harley tells him as she starts getting into position in front of Joker. The clown smirks a little before shifting to properly lie down on the bed his knees coming up on Harley’s both sides. She grabs him by the thighs and looks around herself a bit first before making the next move.

They are both naked from the waist down, except Harley’s still has her pink and black socks on. Otherwise they are both wearing t-shirts – Joker has a yellow Batman logo on his black one while Harley has the word “pizza” written all over hers. After all, it’s not like they are lovers by any means. This needs to be kept sexy casual.

Joker has already prepared himself nice and well so Harley just needs to start fucking him now.

“Okay, so just tell me at any point if it gets too much”, Harley reminds him. He chuckles dryly.

“I know it’s been a while since I’ve done this but I think I can take at least _that_ much without needing to cry out for mercy”, Joker responds with a strong air of self-confidence that Harley sees through as the real insecurity it is.

It’s true they are starting out slow – a slight step down from the regular sized cock for the majority of men in Gotham. But it’s best to do it this way. Harley knows this will help build up both patience as well as self-assurance if it goes well.

“Yeah, well. Brace yourself now. Or relax, actually, ‘cause I’m going in.”

Joker inhales and watches Harley slowly move closer. It’s like a science experiment but once Harley has pushed through the tightest part of the whole ordeal it becomes much less stressful. Joker just focuses on breathing and keeping himself as lax as possible. He doesn’t remember things being this tough the last time around. Maybe it’s because this is more like a mission than a frantic sexfest done in the mindless darkness of the night. They have the bedside lamp on and even the TV’s switched on at the other side of the room. It’s showing cartoons. Mickey Mouse is running after a football.

Joker’s head is laid back on the pillow, jaw pointing to the ceiling as he slowly breathes with Harley now fully seated inside of him. Harley looks down to his hole stretched around the pale violet dildo and puckers her lips in approval. It looks nice and wet and not at all too painful. Harley pats Joker on the thighs like a hockey coach giving praise for their player who got their first goal in.

“You’re doing real good, pumpkin. It’s like you’re hugging me! Or _it_. Or me… Is it me if it isn’t _actually my_ dick?”

Joker slaps his hands over his face and huffs out. “Can you just start moving already, Harls? We don’t got all night!” He’s a little nervous. He thought this would be no big deal. But it certainly isn’t so how is he ever going to be able to take Batman if this is already causing him anxiety? Maybe it’s just because the stakes are so high. Joker has to be able to fuck Batman, there’s no way around it. But _goddammit_, things would be so much simpler if the flying monster rat of a man wasn't so much a monster downstairs too!

Then again, of course, Joker wouldn’t have him any other way.

Harley wrinkles her face at Joker’s impatience and pounds in proper and good right then making Joker howl out in surprise. He looks at her incredulously, open palms splayed on either side of his face.

“You told me to get moving!” Harley reminds him but takes it slower the second time around. Joker groans out that time. Things are slowly turning into _real_ sex. Finally. They are getting more confident.

“Also you gotta remember to put in the butt plug after we’re done or you’re going to lose all the hard work we did here.” Joker grips the bedsheets and nods quickly without really paying attention.

Harley has picked up the pace and is hitting all the right places inside of him. The sex is actually pretty good. Harley’s ain’t too shabby of a fucker. Although there’s no point for Joker to act surprised about the fact – this isn’t exactly their first rodeo. In the first year of hanging out together, they sometimes did this for fun when neither of them were sane enough to be around other people. 

Harley’s getting into the groove as well, the extension of the dildo feeling her up too. She’s gripping Joker by his lanky hips, angling them just right so that she can go fast and deep at the same time. Joker’s panting too. “Yeah, that’s right, Jay. Take me! Squeeze me, squeeze me!”

“It’s not really your dick, Harley!” Joker says. Harley grips him harder. “Squeeze me anyway!” she orders him with a harsher, lower voice followed by a hard slap on his ass. “Squeeze me like I’m _Batman_!”

Joker does as he’s told then, throws his head back and squeezes his eyes closed too because this is what they both like. Harley leans in and grabs him by the wrists this time and thrusts ever faster and ever harder until Joker’s thighs are shaking by her waist. She’s panting like she was running a marathon and it’s amazing.

They’re both so close. 

“Come on, Harls. Come on!” Joker chants and when he arches his back for her, she lets out a long cry of release. Her movement picks up for a second and then slows down significantly. And it’s in the slow period when Joker eventually comes himself and oh god, it’s so _good_…

Harley slumps down onto Joker’s chest trying to catch her breath and Joker is swallowing down gulps of air too. They just lay there for a while, enjoying the calm of success after their tiring efforts. Then the realization hits him.

“Oh shit… We have go to the Iceberg Lounge tonight and now I’m going to have to wear the butt plug there”, Joker moans out.

Harley lifts up from his prone form and smirks. “Jonny’s gotta carry you around. Piggyback style!”

Joker sighs out, closing his eyes wearily so that he doesn’t have to look at Harley’s amused face.

“It’s already hard enough for me to get into the club, I don’t need to look like _I’m_ hard too. After all, it’s not that type of an establishment. At least not while Penguin’s around.”

Harley’s done with the self-pity at that point and finally pulls out of him making Joker gasp a little from the sudden emptiness. She picks up the moderately sized silver buttplug, wets it and swiftly fills him back up again. Joker looks as she does it with a despairing gaze and gives out an uncontrollable whine as it hits him in the prostate.

Harley pats him on the ass again with a sweet smile and gives him a light peck on the cheek.

“Life’s hard but that what you get when trying to fuck a Batman.”

Joker stares back at her. She has to know that this is his life mission. Harley relents with him and turns a bit more supportive. As if the act alone wasn’t supportive enough…

“But you did real good, sweet pea. You’re getting there. Slow and steady wins the race and you’re going to be the best fuck Batman ever has had.”

She hops of the bed and heads for the showers, the phallus on her crotch bobbing in time with her step. They still have a night-out to prepare for. Harley closes the door behind her but not before giving some appreciation to the stressed clown.

“Thanks for the lay, dollface!”

Giggles get shut into the bathroom and Joker burrows his face into the pillows in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love the feedback I got on the last chapter guys! Sorry about this second one taking so long but life's a bit hectic at the moment. Hope you still liked this one too. If you have any suggestions on which villains Joker should train with, let me know!  
Thanks for reading as always :)


	3. Heads & Tails

The next day Joker is strolling down the deep alleyways of Gotham city whistling away cheerfully and minding his own damn business when a dirty old kitty cat suddenly falls into his way from a rickety fire-escape. The smell of old tuna reaches his nose making him grimace as he stares down at the spandex, leather… whatever the hell that glossy wet black too tight suit was made out of, clad bitch of a pussy.

Selina Kyle stands up from her feline crouch on the dirty asphalt and looks back at him pointedly from behind her yellow tinted goggles. She’s got a heavy jewel hanging from her neck. Joker cocks his head at her amusedly and rests his two fingers against his chin.

“I always meant to say that you’re the only cat I know that doesn’t land on her feet after being dropped from a ten-story building. At least not last time. I wonder if you’ve been practicing.”

“I got all the practice I needed from last time, so save it, clown. I wanted to tell you something.”

Joker raises his eyebrows at her. Police sirens fly past them somewhere in the near distance. Most likely after her sorry ass.

Selina doesn’t look concerned, though. She walks, or rather slithers, towards him a tad closer. Her outfit makes the most horrid sounds to accompany the movement. It makes Joker’s teeth feel weird. He crosses his arms over his chest. He isn’t wearing his usual ensemble today like the bitchy cat. Instead, he’s got a yellow hoodie on with some black and white striped pants. He’s after all on his way just to get some milk from the corner shop. Maybe some red liquorice too even if his dentist hates him for it. 

“_Really_? Do tell!”

Selina grins.

“I bet you’ve seen the picture already.”

Joker feigns ignorance for just a second. Just to make sure they’re on the same page. Joker’s seen a lot of pictures.

“You know, of the Bat’s _dong_.”

The pussycat smirks even more devilishly. Joker understands now.

“So? What’s your _point_?” Joker raises his chin at her.

“Oh… Just that it’s really _big_, you know. Too big, one might even say. At least for _you_.”

Joker grits his teeth. Then he smiles at her. Not nicely.

“You’ve got it all mixed up, you little pussycat. His packaging is no issue to me, only a delight. Now I reckon for you, he might have been another story. I do believe now, after what I’ve seen evidence of, that those nice little stories of you and him some _decade_ ago, have been merely terrible grand illusions you’ve had after one tiny, lucky kiss to his cheek. And oh I feel sorry for you.”

Selina just fiddles with the tip of her whip as she looks at Joker. There’s this strange adamant self-satisfaction about her that just doesn’t feel right to him.

“Sure”, she says, sarcastically. “But really, Joker. My _condolences_ for your loss. It looks like it just _wasn’t_ meant to be.”

Then she slings her whip out to some random banister on the wall and uses it to get back up to the rooftops. Joker yells after her throwing his fist into the air.

“No, my condolences to _you_! Batsy’s going to become _mine _now! I’ll show you!”

But she was gone by then and Joker was left alone in the dingy alleyway again. He had no other option than to keep trudging his way to the store. The bitchy bitch had left a real damper on his mood and he needed that liquorice now more than ever.

How dare she imply that he won’t be able to take Batsy like a good little clown? Joker bets she never even really got into bed with him, whenever that drunken forgotten night was. Maybe she just gave him a nice lickdown like the pathetic tiny kitten she is and the stories about it were just glamorous rumours as always.

Sure, Joker isn’t even down to a regular sized cock yet but he’s getting there! The cat will see! He just needs to find himself the right guy and he’ll go to town, no question about it. He doesn’t want to do it with Harley again. Not that she wasn’t good but once in a month is plenty for sex between friends so that was that. Besides, Joker just needs to do it with an authentic cock to get a real feel for it.

Joker worries his lower lip red as he enters the rundown shop. He can’t stop feeling nervous despite all of his self-centred pep-talk so that while he gets his milk and liquorice up to the register, he so deep into his thoughts, he doesn’t notice that the shop is getting robbed as well.

He just figures it’s probably better that way. Now he doesn’t have pay. Not that he had any cash with him to begin with. When he comes out of the store with his paper bag in hand, he notices a black limousine parked across the road from him. He aimlessly wanders to it, feeling somehow drawn by it.

Just as he gets to the door, the man inside the vehicle steps out onto the street. Joker halts, too, in happy surprise. He knew his intuition had it right – it’s just the guy he was looking for!

_Harvey Dent. _

“Harvey, darling, my good old pal! How’s it going you crazy bastard?!” Joker exclaims gleefully as he bounces right into hugging the grim looking man from both sides of the tracks.

Harvey visibly stiffens where he’s sandwiched between Joker’s lanky white arms but Joker doesn’t mind it. He likes the man even if he doesn’t like him back. Well, Joker reckons Harvey has to like him at least a little bit because otherwise he would just kill him. And wouldn’t have banged him all those years ago. Oh heck, Harvey loves him!

Then Joker’s suddenly pulled away from him by one of his goons dressed in sharp black suits. Oh, Harvey’s such a high-class gangster these days! He’s nailed even the pinstripe get-up and the fancy little silk pocket square.

Harvey gazes down at Joker with a suspicious look in his eyes.

“Joker”, he says blandly in his low, raspy voice. “What are you doing here?”

Joker just smiles at him and hold his bag open for him. The goons automatically cock their guns at that in advance. Harvey peeks inside it apprehensively.

“Milk and sugar, baby! Had to do some last minute grocery shopping for Harls. She’s hosting plant lady over at our place tonight and she’s making vegetarian lasagne. She said I got to go over to Eddie’s while she’s there. I guess she doesn’t really like me. But if all goes well, Harley’s going to have some fun of her own tonight. Anyway, Eddie and I are going to have a movie-night. You’re welcome to join us if you like!”

Harvey looks a bit stunned by all the information but recovers quickly enough with the subtly smug raise of his good eyebrow.

“I’ll pass but thanks. Now if you don’t mind, I’m on my way to a business meeting.”

“Business meeting? Hah! More like a beating meeting! Because, you know, you’re just going to punch your way through everyone, right?” Joker giggles at his own bad joke making Harvey glance around himself to make sure he’s not being seen having a chat with the crazy clown.

It’s true they have shared some moments of intimacy in their past but that was before Harvey became the top-dog in many the side-boroughs of Gotham and before Joker blew up his last office space. It hadn’t been intentional, just a small part of Joker’s grander plan, but nevertheless. It wasn’t appreciated to say at least.

“Anyway, so you’ve got some time then? In no hurry to beat up some good fellas? I bet they will be drunk of their asses for at least four more hours, what is it, six pm now?”

Harvey leans against the limousine deliberating what on earth the clown has in store for him. Joker looks a little nervous now for some reason, fiddling with his brown paper bag and gazing up at Harvey like he’s not sure how this is going to turn out. It makes Harvey curious and makes him want to ask.

“What have you got on your mind, Joker?”

Joker’s smile widens, hiding his insecurity with the twinkle in his eye, as he boldly states his desires. Quietly though, close to Harvey’s face that the goons can’t hear him.

“I’d like you to _fuck_ me, Harvey-baby.”

With that being said, Joker is quickly heaved inside the limousine, Harvey pulling the door closed behind them in the same swift motion.

“What’s this about?” Harvey asks him intently, without a dash of kindness, leaning towards Joker’s face in the small enclosed, dim lighted space. Joker just smiles at him sweetly.

“Well, I was just hoping you’d help a friend out, that’s all. See Harvey, I just think it’s been too long since you and I’ve really got together. I know it didn’t end too well last time and I’m sorry but I want us to get past that. And at this stage of my need, I don’t see a better time for this to happen”, Joker explains as ambiguously as ever and plants a suggestive, seductive, hand over Harvey’s knee. “I want you to forgive me.”

Harvey stares back at Joker in silence for a good moment or two, a stern look on both of his faces. It makes Joker both anxious and excited. How he loves his Harvey likes this! So serious, charmingly cunning and brilliant yet utterly remorseless. He reminds Joker so much of his other beloved knight in black.

He reckons it’s merely Harvey’s ridiculousness that keeps Joker from falling into his arms for good at the end of the day. There can only be one clown in a relationship and Joker knows that’s him already. Harvey’s too insane for him and that’s how he comes up with the ultimate way to get into his pants. He’s clearly too indecisive right now to give him a proper answer. Too many questions from the past lingering between his ears.

“Why don’t flip for it, baby?” Joker says and grabs a penny from his pants’ pocket offering it to Harvey. The man glances at the penny at first, then smirks before grabbing it.

“Heads, I _fuck_ you”, he says and proceeds in his even _darker_ tone. “Tails, I fuck you _up_.”

Joker smiles and nods eagerly.

Then the coin is flipped and it dances in the air so quickly, you can barely see it but then it’s on Harvey’s hand and up it goes. Ever the conductor of tension, Harvey reveals what the coin says in a deliberate manner.

“Heads”, he states and as soon as it is announced, Joker throws his paperbag away and jumps on Harvey’s lap instead.

Harvey grabs onto him by the waist and a furious make-out session commences. It so full of heat and lust and all things between rage and desire are revelled in it.

Joker pockets his _lucky_ penny in the midst of Harvey opening his slacks and pulling his wonderful self out in the open from his white and black underwear.

“Why don’t you warm it up first, baby-Jay”, Harvey says and Joker’s all too happy to oblige. This is a practised progression. Joker laps Harvey up on his tongue and feels it getting firmer and firmer inside the heat of his mouth. As much as Joker enjoys this, he needs this cock to be somewhere else right now. That is why he does a good work on it as swiftly as he can so that soon enough Harvey’s pulling on his hair to get off of him before the fun is over.

“Come on, sit your ass on me”, he tells Joker between his stabilizing breaths. Joker picks himself up from the floor, turns around and pushes his pants down.

“What’s this?” Harvey wonders out loud as he pulls the buttplug out of him without a moment of hesitation. “You got yourself prepared for me? How did you know you’d meet me today?”

Obviously, Joker didn’t know he would meet Harvey today and thus the plug wasn’t for him specifically. It was for anyone really. But it couldn’t hurt to kiss Harvey’s ego a little bit.

“I _didn’t_ know. I decided to leave it up to chance, _like you_, and get ready for this just in case.”

Joker can feel the arrogant grin beaming behind his bum his statement put on Harvey’s face. Harvey has him by the cheeks and tests the waters with a finger.

“Wet and good to go. I can certainly appreciate the effort. But let’s see if all that preparation made you _truly_ ready for me.”

Harvey pulls him downwards, directing Joker as he starts sinking onto his cock. It’s a regular-sized dick but bigger than the plug Joker had been wearing for sure. It makes Joker a bit nervous at first but he forces himself to relax or otherwise it can’t work.

Once the tip is in, though, he feels a lot more comfortable. Especially with Harvey’s praise and guidance helping him along. His healthy hand is on his tight, stroking gently while the other rubs him by the hip.

Harvey can be pretty demanding and harsh but hurtful he is not when it comes to it and that’s partly why Joker likes him so much. The descent is not that tough in the end and Joker has Harley to thank for that. It all goes down smoothly enough and soon enough, Joker’s hit the end of the road. 

“Aah, there you go, baby. So nice and snug around me, aren’t you”, Harvey says while sucking Joker by his neck, just behind his ear. Joker feels safe and warm in Harvey’s pinstriped arms, and above all, filled and stretched up, feeling like he’s making some real progress.

“Mmmh…” Joker moans out as they start moving then and Harvey’s hand latches onto his cock. This is how it should be, Joker thinks as they fuck. Just with a Batman instead.

“That’s it, gorgeous. Squeeze me. Make daddy feel good now.”

Oh yeah, Joker forgot that Harvey’s got a daddy kink. And once again with the squeezing! Jesus Christ, Joker’s going to have the tightest ass muscles in the whole of Gotham by the time he gets to Batman. The flying rat’s not going to be able to take him for more than two seconds before he’s going to come from all the squeezing and wheezing!

Joker does as he’s told though and fucks Harvey with more fervency. It’s good though. It’s _really_ good. Harvey’s stroking his cock in time with their other movement, they’ve got their lips locked together and shit, this is great. Not just great sex but great for Joker’s self-esteem! It’s been too long since he’s had just plain old sex. There’s been too much pining and dynamite setting in his life recently. This is what he needed all along.

“Oh, oh, fuck me, daddy, just like that”, Joker moans, eyes shut tight, arching his back at Harvey keeping to remember to drop a few _daddies_ along the way. They make Harvey ever more powerful in his movements, gripping Joker’s skin until there’ll be bruises. That’s fine though. It feels too amazing to stop.

By the time Joker’s ready to come Harvey does so too while pressing his teeth into Joker’s shoulder so hard it makes Joker tremble in his arms. “_Fuccchk_!” Joker whines out in amazement before getting off Harvey’s lap to rest across the two-feet long seat on the other side of the limousine. He keeps his eyes closed and stuffs himself back up with the old buttplug before pulling his pants back on. He’ll need to hurry back home to put in the larger plug in though, before all the good work is lost. Also, that milk needs to get to the fridge before it starts to curdle. 

“Look how much you made me come”, Harvey suddenly says from the other side of the limousine. Joker cracks an eye open to look and sees Harvey holding up nearly a half full condom between his fingers.

“You used a condom?” is what the sight makes Joker question. Harvey looks back at him firmly and with slight worry in his eyes.

“Well of course I did”, he replies with confidence and puts the condom into the trash. “You really should be more careful when it comes to your sexual health, Joker. Even when it concerns a trusted partner. It’s better to be safe than sorry.”

“Oh Jesus…” Joker whispers under his breath before sitting back up. Harvey’s right though. It’s been such a long time since he’s had sex with a real dick, he completely forgot about the condom policy. Either way, he knows he’s clean and the Bat surely has to be as well. He’s too good to not be.

“Sure, Harv. I’ll use a condom and I’ll take my pills. But I really got to get going now. You’ve got some mob guys to kill and I’ve got to get Harley this milk”, Joker says and grabs his grocery bag again. “You want some liquorice before I go?”

He offers Harvey the liquorice package as he passes him in the car. Harvey takes one while staring back at Joker intensely.

“I know you just wanted to fuck me in order to train for Batman”, he abruptly admits to him. This time it’s Joker who’s left speechless.

“But I don’t care. You know where to find me when you realize the Bat isn’t going want to fuck you. I’ll see you then, soon.”

“Oh fuck you, Harvey! No, I won’t be seeing you because I’ll be too busy screwing Batsy’s batty brains out in his secret batcave”, Joker exclaims in deep offense. He steps out of the limousine into the street, absolutely furious.

When Harvey steps out of the car, Joker rips the red liquorice stick right out of his mouth as he certainly doesn’t deserve it anymore. Joker plants his fists against his hips in a stern manner and keeps shouting so that the whole street can hear them, even the robbers still inside the shop.

“You’re just jealous because this ass is meant for the Bat and the Bat _only_. You only gotta piece ‘cause you’ve got a regular sized dick! And guess what! It’s only _the_ _second_ dick I’ve taken in order to train for Batsy’s – right after a _dildo_!”

With that humiliation stunt pulled on Harvey and a good old middle finger in his two-motherfucking-face, Joker swiftly turns on his heels before dashing into a sprint from the bullets of his stupid looking goons. While he runs, he wonders which movies he should rent to watch with Eddie that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys and happy holidays y'all! 
> 
> So first of all, I want to apologise for being so late with this update but I'm cramming two years of uni into one, so I've had some stuff to do. I still have some Christmas stuff to do, too, so it's been pretty hectic right now. Either way, I hope you guys like this chapter :) It got waaaay to long, I know, sorry! I wanted to make these just short drabbles and I'll try to make it so but sometimes I get out of control. 
> 
> Anyway, two things. First, I want to let you guys know that I have a lot more batjokes fics to my name, some of them smutty, some not so much. I'm definitely not a smut writer but if I can recommend a certain smut fic of mine, then it has to be my series called "Warmer This Way". It features Deadjokes, though, but I think it's a sweet pairing and it has a very strong batjokes theme to it still. So if you get too bored waiting for me to upload, then there's that at least :)
> 
> The last thing, if you're interested, then please leave a guess of what university degree you think I'm studying. I'm curious to know what sort of an image I've painted of myself here, it's all. I'll let you know the answer in the next chapter's end notes when that time comes (in two to three years :D nah, hopefully sooner than that)! 
> 
> Anyway, if you have a holiday, I hope you have a wonderful one! See you guys soon-ish :D


	4. Ice Creams & Dicks

“What about the mint one. Is it any good?”

Joker offers his green coloured soft ice cream to Harley of which she takes a huge lick out of but it’s fine because there’s plenty of it in the cheap waffle cone. They just bought them from a weird vendor lady. Harley pulls a face and gives the cone back to him.

“Oh God _no_. That tastes like _grass_ and _toothpaste_ mixed together, _soooo_ gross”, she complains affectedly. Joker frowns at her. “I like it.”

“Well I don’t know then! Maybe there’s just something up with my taste buds today but both of these ice creams taste like shit to me. This cherry one is like rusty metal and blood all swirled up together”, she says and angrily throws her cherry cone into a nearby overflowing trashcan they pass on the street while on their way to the den of the Ghost Dragons.

“Or maybe it’s the fact that you’re lactose intolerant, Harls. But tell me now, how did last night with plant lady go?”

Harley sighs out heavily pressing her yellow sunglasses further up the bridge of her nose before crossing her arms over her chest.

“First of all, her name’s _Ivy_. _Not_ plant lady. And well… It _started_ out alright, I guess. We ate the lasagne and we talked about all sorts of things. At one point she said she’s actually vegan so the lasagne was kind of a fail but what she don’t know can’t hurt her so I kept shut about it, obviously. But _anyhoo_… It was all good and fun actually; we had grapes and whipped cream for desert but once I started to push one of the grapes between her boobs, things got kinda weird. It turns out she likes to take things a lot slower than I had hoped for”, Harley tells him. 

“Which is fine and all! But yeah, it looks like I’m gonna need to do a whole lot more courting before she’ll get in my sack, that’s for sure.”

Joker pats her on the back with a sympathising smirk on his face.

“You’ll get there eventually, don’t stress about it! She clearly likes you, otherwise she wouldn’t have gotten you that huge talking cactus that sitting in our bedroom now.”

“Yeah...” Harley smiles at him looking all smitten and fond. “I wanted to put it there to remind me of her during the nights.”

Joker nods and takes another lick of his ice cream which… _does_ kind of taste like grass and toothpaste mixed together but also smells of pot a bit so he keeps eating it in hopes of getting a mild high. He’s not sure why they are going to meet Lynx today but Harley said so and Joker doesn’t have any more remarkable plans of his own so for now he’s just tagging along.

“But what about you, Puds. I heard you got laid with Two-face yesterday!”

Joker grins back at her excited, already having got over Dent’s upsetting remarks. Right now, he’s just glad to have made it to an average-sized dick. One dick closer to Batman’s!

“I sure did! And guess what, Harley, after I had watched the Notebook with Eddie, he agreed to fuck me too! I mean, yeah, only after I was done with his stupid riddle of _what’s long and hard and has cum in it_”, Joker tells her.

“A cucumber!” Harley immediately exclaims gleefully. Joker whips his head at her in disbelief.

“How did you know that?! It took me at least an hour to figure it out!” Joker shouts in frustration. Harley just laughs.

“You were too focused on getting that dick to really think about it. But tell me then, how _was_ it?” Harley asks leaning in. Joker licks at his weird tasting ice cream first, still angry about the riddle he had so much trouble solving. It’s not like him not be able to outsmart Eddie the first chance he gets. Maybe all of these dicks _are_ already making his head spin a little.

“It was fine. It wasn’t any bigger than Harvey’s but it was good practise still. We did it in the shower because Ed didn’t want to get dirty before going to bed so we decided to hit two birds with one stone like that.”

“Ever the romantic one, isn’t he”, Harley snickers. By that time, they’ve reached the entrance of the den and Harley casually knocks on the intimidating looking metal door with a shrunk head hanging from the peering hole.

A muscly man in a tall Mohawk opens the door for them, a serious look on his face, but gestures them inside despite the way it appears. Harley smiles at him sweetly and tugs Joker inside by the wrist in her tow.

“No beverages or food allowed indoors”, comes quickly the booming instruction from Lynx somewhere inside the three-storey brick building. Joker bites his teeth together timidly and looks around himself hurriedly looking for a bin of sorts. Harley is rolling her eyes at him. The Mohawk man then finally offers his hand to Joker and takes the cone away from him.

“Thanks…” Joker mutters out with a small hesitant smile. Something about this dark dingy place and all of these white foxes running around the hallway make Joker feel kind of on the edge. Are they skinning these animals or what are they doing with them?

Then the Lynx person, in her wild and true worn out leather outfit, evidently appears from the top of the stairs at the end of the hallway and Harley giddily greets her in high-pitch.

“Hey there, Lynxie! I’m not late, am I?” Harley says and once Lynx is close enough she takes a brave take on hugging her in spite of her stern look. Although, the look seems to be mostly directed at Joker who’s just standing there next to Harley awkwardly.

“You didn’t exactly make an appointment”, Lynx says to her once they are done hugging it out. “But hi, Harley. You know you’re always welcome here. But tell me, what is _he_ doing over here?”

Then all three of them are staring at Joker like the third wheel he apparently was. “Hi!” Joker manages to blurt out in a friendly way, even adds a little wave to it, but Harley brushes Lynx’s spitefulness off for him.

“Oh yeah, I just let him to come along since he was so bored at home. You don’t mind, do you, Lynxie? He’s no harm to you!” Joker smiles kindly at Lynx but it’s starting to near desperation.

Lynx is still looking at Joker in a nasty way but seems too warmed up by Harley to really take an interest in throwing him out the door.

“Fine. If you say so. But as soon as he starts annoying me one bit, he’s out”, Lynx relents. “And he stays _in_ the kitchen”, she adds then looking pointedly at Mohawk guy before turning around to walk back upstairs Harley by her side, probably to her office.

Joker’s shoulder is then clasped by the Mohawk man and he’s escorted into the kitchen. Inside, there’s another man. A very big looking man sitting by the long wooden table in the middle of the rustic looking kitchen. Joker can’t see who it is because they have their back turned to him but it looks like they are peeling an apple with a jack-knife.

The grip on Joker’s shoulder is released and the door goes again when the Mohawk man leaves the two men alone in the kitchen. Joker carefully wanders around the table to sit on one of the two benches surrounding it and just to say hi really. Who knows how long this meeting might take!

And hey, why don’t you look at that! It’s Butch Gilzean, Joker’s old henchman from long time no see! The stocky man looks up with a surprised expression on his face when he notices Joker next to him.

“Jokes? Heheh, whadda ya doin’ here, boss?” he asks happily then with his heart-warming unpretentious smile. He stands up to shake hands with Joker amiably. Joker answers the shake gladly and together they sit back down. Butch offers the newest apple slice pierced on his knife to him but Joker kindly declines it. He’s still got that weird taste in his mouth from the ice cream. He doesn’t think apple will mix with it well.

“I came here with Harls. What’s your excuse? I know you can’t be one of Lynx’s men, they’ve all got hair”, Joker says to him and Butch chuckles heartily at the remark, stroking a hand over his balding head.

“No, I’m not one of her guys. I came here with Tabby and Kean. They’ve got some all girls’ meeting here today. I don’t know what it’s about but honestly I don’t really care either.”

“You’re not working for Penguin anymore then?” Joker asks in surprise, leaning in over the table.

“Oh no, _no_”, Butch tells him with a smile and winks. Joker laughs and winks right back. _Duly noted_.

Butch finishes his apple and puts the jack-knife back into his breast pocket. Then he looks at Joker a bit more seriously.

“Hey, but Jokes. Let me get something straight, okay. See, what this I’ve been hearing about you turning tricks on the street again. Is that right?”

Joker’s eyes widen into big dinner plates. Then he can’t nearly stop laughing at all, toppling over himself on the bench.

“Is that what you’ve been hearing, Butchie? Really? Hahahah!” Butch just nods to that while Joker dries off the tears in the corners of his eyes.

“Well, it’s not that far-fetched, is it, boss? I remember years back when we had to raise some money for a heist and I ended up being your bodyguard on the streets while you did your thing.”

Joker then narrows his eyes at him, his laughter halting quite soon after that is said. “Yeah, well. A girl’s gotta eat and if I’m not mistaken, I don’t think I was the only one eating that night after we were done”, Joker reminds him and pokes Butch on his filled out chest with his finger.

“Boss, it’s out of no disrespect. I’m just wondering what’s going on. I know you’ve got a nice apartment now and I hear you’re doing good overall”, he says calmly. That’s a good thing about Butch. He was always able to keep his composure when working or just discussing with Joker. And he’s not half as stupid as he looks. He’s good muscle, too. So Joker relents with his hot-headedness.

“I know you don’t mean it like that. Anyway. The rumours aren’t quite true. The reality is that I’m actually training myself. I’m not sure if you’ve seen the picture of _Batman_…”

Butch quickly nods quietly with a knowing look.

“… Yeah and so, I just thought I’d better get ready for it if I ever hope to be with him. I’m moving up the scale. Slowly but steadily, you know”, Joker finishes.

“You want me to help you with that?” Butch asks then out of nowhere. Joker can’t talk for a second or two.

“W-would you?” Joker asks right back in disbelief. Butch just smirks.

“Sure, why not. Who knows how long these girls are gonna take with their negotiations. I’ve been here two hours already. We’ve got this nice long table here: I’m down for it if you are, boss.”

Joker squeaks in delight.

“What are we waiting for!”

Joker lays himself down across the table in front of Butch at the head of the table. While he does it, he notices Butch’s shiny leather shoes. And my, my… those feet are nothing if not _great_. Let’s see how this will go over, if Joker can’t take him, he’ll be sorely disappointed.

“I’ll go slow, okay. After all, we’ve never done this before”, Butch says as he opens his trousers and Joker shimmies his black short-shorts down in response.

“Yeah and – Oh yeah, you’ve maybe got a condom on you, Butchie?” Joker remembers.

“Always”, Butch replies grinning and gets one out of his wallet. “Okay, get those legs up on my shoulders and we’ll see what’s up here.”

“Just a buttplug meaning I’m ready to _roll_. Be careful with it, though. Harley got it for me as a present.”

“Oh, it’s _pink_”, Butch remarks as he starts to carefully release it from inside of Joker. “Yep”, is all Joker offers back in an upbeat tone. Who knows what Harley thought when getting it for him. Pink isn’t really his color but it’s not like he’s going to be staring at it very much himself. What he’s concerned the most about right now is getting that Buchie-_dick_!

Once the plug’s out and set aside on the table beside them, Butch turns to himself, unbuckling that long belt of his and opening up his dark blue suit pants. Joker looks at him do it with an eye sharp as a hawk. Startlingly, Joker has never see Butch’s dick before so he’s wondering whether or not this is going to go well.

But _oh_… It’s a _cutie_! It’s bigger than Eddie’s for sure but something about the pale pinkness of it just speaks to Joker and makes him blush in adorableness.

“I’m not hard yet”, Butch says as he grabs onto himself with his big fist. “Why don’t you play with yourself a little first, boss. Make sure you’re open enough for me.”

“Alright”, Joker approves with a simple shrug. He licks two of his fingers, watching Butch as he does it, and then trails his hand down to the goodie-hole. With a shudder, he starts fingering himself in front of Butch, twisting and turning, moaning slightly for added effect and surely enough Butch is soon taking those fingers out of Joker and replaces them with his pre-come dripping cock.

“Okay, that’s good enough.”

And _whoa_! The Butchie-dick is not so adorable anymore! It’s half the size of a rolling pin and as it pushes itself inside Joker, the clown can barely keep his eyes open from all the pressure and pleasure. Butch takes his time, though. Fortunately. Inch by inch he gets closer and closer to reaching the hilt and Joker grips onto his biceps for moral support.

“Oh jeez, your feet could certainly fit a clown’s shoes. Why haven’t we done this before, Butch?” Joker gasps out as Butch finally reaches the end. The man smirks down at him.

“I thought it best to keep our relationship professional. Besides, I’m more of a monogamous type. I don’t really do one-night stands, you know what I’m saying? I like stability.”

“What makes today different?” Joker wonders while trying to breathe with the girth of Butch beginning to truly pound into him and simultaneously crushing his lungs upwards his throat.

“I was bored.”

Joker can’t help but laugh then. Even if it chokes him up in the end.

One of the white foxes jumps on the table and nearly makes Joker yelp from the shock. Butch is quick to shoo it away and the fox scuttles down to the floor again.

“What’s with all these fucking foxes here, man? Can’t get a moment’s of peace with them”, Joker says.

“They keep the pests away. Apparently there was a huge rat infestation in the basement a few weeks back”, Butch tells him casually but never stopping his fucking.

“Oh”, Joker only manages to reply to that, frowning slightly. “_Nice_ to know…”

That makes Butch worried, though.

“I’m not hurting you, am I, Jokes?” he asks, slowing down a bit.

“No, no! You’re doing great, perfect! The rats just don’t get me so hot, is all. It’s not so long ago since I got sick from dumpster diving and had to even visit the Narrow’s doctor for some pills. And you never know with that doctor. Sometimes he gives you the medicine, sometimes he just gives you blow.”

“Yeah, I know that guy. Never really got the idea of drug codewords.”

Butch has started thrusting harder again. He has a nice tight hold of Joker’s milky thighs with Joker’s shins snugly resting on his wide shoulders. It makes for a pretty picture and Joker’s actually tempted to snap one but he reckons it’s not that polite.

Instead Joker focuses on the motions and the electric current running up and down his spine in time with Butch’s movement. It’s a real high and once Butch has his big hand wrapped around Joker’s cock, then it’s a roller-coaster of pleasureful emotions.

“You close, boss?” Butch asks after a minute. Joker can only nod to him through squeezing his eyes to stay intact for as long as until Butch is finished.

“Okay. Good. You can come then.”

And Joker does, not needing any more encouragements. He spasms around Butch’s dick, keening against the table in a quiet moan, making the man follow after his cue.

“Oh that’s real good, Jokes. Real good”, Butch says afterwards when tucking himself back into his pants. “You’re going to make for an amazing fuck for the Batman.”

Joker leans in excitedly where he’s still sat on top of the table, swinging his legs back and forth.

“Do you really think so?”

“Of course I do! You’re a tight and hot fuck. And with you squeezing my dick so beautifully, I don’t see why Batman wouldn’t invite you even for another round.”

Again with the squeezing! But at least it seems like it’s become a natural thing for Joker now. Squeezing men’s dicks with his asshole. I suppose one could compare it to a good handshake. Firm, confident and trustworthy. A warm safe welcome.

“Oh, I sure hope so! But I’ve still got training to do before I can even dream about hitting Batsy up”, Joker tells Butch hopping off the table to get the plug settle back inside of him. Butch looks at him a bit thoughtfully then.

“By the way, Jokes, what is your plan with doing it with Bats? How are you going to get him to have sex with you once you’re ready for him?”

Joker bugs his eyes out at Butch for asking such a stupid question. He must still be dazed from the orgasm fumes. Joker spreads his arms out to him and leans in when giving him the answer which is like the most simplest thing in the world.

“Easy! Next time I see him I’ll tell him I’m ready for him and he’ll just it! No more planning needed. After all, this has to be the reason why it’s taken this long for us to take the next step in the first place. He’s been too afraid to ask me upstairs yet because he hasn’t known if I could take him and knows I’d be upset if I couldn’t. And I mean, you have _seen_ him too”, Joker winks at Butch with a lopsided smirk.

“He’s a _real_ monster inside and out, it takes a real professional to be able to handle him. Now after I’ve properly prepared myself for him, I’ll just let him know what’s what and we can finally consummate our marriage!” Joker says and smiles fondly at the thought alone.

“You’re really _married_ to him, boss?” Butch asks him absolutely flabbergasted. Joker rolls his eyes at him.

“Not married _married_ but y’know, the way a villain and a vigilante can be married. Enemies for life. To be a true lifelong nemesis to each other. To become the person who knows the other better than they know themselves. To be their lover in their nightmares and to become their beloved in their darkest nights, and soon, in their brightest mornings…”

This is when the door to the kitchen is suddenly opened and Butch realizes he has found himself in the rare moment of catching the Joker falling into a daydream that brings out only the faintest smile on his deep red lips yet one which is much truer than any of his other wide-like grins. It makes Butch feel hesitant to break the moment but fortunately the Mohawk guy does it for him.

“Meeting’s over. _Leave_.”

Butch helps Joker back into the hallway where they are met by Butch’s stylishly deadly female companions. They stare at Joker a bit weirdly. Butch turns to him once more and smiles to him.

“Well it was good meeting you again, Jokes. Give me a call anytime you need a hand with something. Anything at all”, he says with a pat on his shoulder before he leaves with the ladies in the lead. Joker just watches him go, too involved inside his own head still. The white foxes run around in his feet until Harley has come back.

“Hey Puddin! You didn’t have to wait for too long, did you”, she says happily and gives him a smooch on the cheek as a thanks. Joker rubs the pink lipstick mark off in annoyance but does feel a lot more grounded again with her back.

“I’ll be seeing you again soon, Matcho man!” Harley tells the Mohawk man punching him on the leather clad arm in a friendly manner before heading out with a hurried hold placed on Joker’s hand as not to lose him behind.

Once back on the street Harley turns to him excitedly. “Oh pumpkin! I _made_ the club!”

“What club?” Joker merely thinks to wonder in confusion. Harley laughs and pats his shoulder. What’s up with the shoulder patting today, too?

“_Sorry_, Puds but I can’t tell you ‘cus you’re not in the club.”

_Oh_ _Jesus Christ…_

“Fine, whatever. Congrats. But you know what, Harls, once we get home, I’m going to need you to get the purple plug out because _guess_ _who’s_ already ready to move to the next buttplug!” Joker announces enthusiastically. “I just had sex with Butch Gilzean!”

“You’re kidding! When did you manage to hook up with him? I was gone for only a half an hour!”

“All the time I needed, baby! I met him in the kitchen!” Joker tells her proudly.

“Good for you babe! Only two buttplugs to go after that!” Harley says slapping Joker on the ass for good measure.

“I know. Only two plugs to go before Batsy”, Joker adds and dreamily lifts up his gaze to the blue skies and billionaire airplanes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I wanted to upload this for you on Christmas Day but then I thought, why not spark up Boxing Day instead! So happy Boxing Day everyone :D I know, once again I drabbled on way too long but I hope like this anyway. Not that much smut but plenty of plot, just how we all like it, right? Ehh...
> 
> Oh, and to finally reveal the answer to the questionnaire I left on the last end notes, the subject I'm studying at uni is business & shit, and oh boy do I hate it. Yes, it is quite the sad answer and I wish I could be studying any of the other subjects you had guessed in the comments. That's why I'm trying to finish it in two years instead of three. 
> 
> You guys had some great suggestions and it was really fun to read through them, so thank you very much! Anyway, I hope you guys have a lovely weekend and hopefully I'll see you soon again :) Let me know how you liked Butchie!


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